Daily Archives: July 7, 2002

New Zealand News – World – Barrels of Beaujolais d…

New Zealand News – World – Barrels of Beaujolais destined for vinegar

I am not a wine guy. I mean, I drink a little occasionally, but it all tastes pretty much the same to me. But seeing (a) French wineries forced to sell their products for vinegar at about two dollars a gallon, and (b) the French share of the wine market plummeting… Well, I feel all warm inside. Is it possible that when they came up with “schadenfreude”, the Germans were looking west? Heck, it’s probably likely.

Jeez, somebody go cheer Dave Tepper up!

Jeez, somebody go cheer Dave Tepper up!

City out of 10 deadliest Birmingham fell to 11t…

City out of 10 deadliest

Birmingham fell to 11th in murders per capita. I’m at a loss; Birmingham is always in the top ten!

CNN.com – Russia proposes joint effort to conquer …

CNN.com – Russia proposes joint effort to conquer Mars – July 7, 2002

Somehow, I think “joint” is the operative word here. Russia isn’t exactly a technological juggernaut. Also, they say they’ll contribute $6 billion towards a $20 billion cost of the project. Where are they going to find $6 billion?


“It must be an international project,” said Vitaly Semyonov, head of the Mars project at the M.V. Keldysha Space Research Center. “No one country could cope alone with this task.”

Ahem. Well, we’d have to shake down Congress, but we could do it. We’d have to do it anyway, since there’s no way we’d trust Russian rocketry with our astronauts.

Space Ghost Group, Ep. 2

Time for another exciting episode of the Space Ghost Group!

SPACE GHOST: Greetings! I am Space Ghost. Today, our guests are:

Captain Euro, the Continentís foremost socialist superhero;
Dr. Bruce Banner, government research scientist;
Zan of the Wonder Twins, currently in the form of a bucket of icewater, and;
Zorak, Lone Mantis of the Apocalypse.

Issue One, the LAX shooting. Was it terrorism? Zorak!

ZORAK: What a stupid question!

SG: Dr. Banner?

BANNER: If it wasnít terrorism, then what is? From what I can tell, the government is refusing to call it terrorism for political reasons, but Iím with the Israelis on this. If itís not terrorism, it will do until something better comes along.

SG: Captain Euro?

EURO: I must compliment the Bush Administration for refusing to use the loaded word ďterrorismĒ. One manís terrorist is another manís freedom fighter. I must also complement the FBI for refusing to make any assumptions and instead attempt to find the alleged gunmanís alleged motive.

BANNER: Oh, come on! I donít think we have to look very hard!

EURO: While I much prefer your presence to the barbarian who sat in that seat previously, I strongly object to your clear bias against Muslims.

BANNER: Iím not prejudiced against Muslims, Iím prejudiced against hatemongers who practice murder out of their own prejudice.

EURO: Look in the mirror, doctor.

BANNER: Youíre getting me angry. You wouldnít like me when Iím angry.

EURO: I donít much like you now!

SG: ENOUGH! Correct answer: Terrorism! Next issue, financial scandals. First Enron, then Global Crossing, now Worldcom looks to go down. Even Xerox has been found to be cooking the books. What is to be done? Zan?

ZAN: Jeez, I donít know. Iím a teenager and an alien, I donít understand all this money stuff.

SG: Zorak?

ZORAK: All boards of directors should turn over control of their companies to me!

SG: Yeah, right. Captain Euro?

EURO: Clearly, capitalism has failed. Central planning is the truly civilized solution.

ZORAK: Planned by me!

SG: WRONG! Dr. Banner?

BANNER: Well, I work in the public arena, but I think maybe we could use some more regulation. But socialism surely isnít the answer.

SG: Correct! Issue three, smallpox vaccinations. Should everyone be vaccinated or should they be reserved for those at risk and then used only in an outbreak? Captain Euro?

EURO: The government surely knows far more about these things than the people. If the commissions studying this say that the vaccinations should be held back, we should trust the experts.

SG: WRONG! Zan?

ZAN: Well, I donít know a lot about this stuff, but it seems pretty sensible to vaccinate everyone we can, just in case.

SG: Correct! Issue four, the International Criminal Court. Should the United States join? Captain Euro.

EURO: But of course. The ICC is not aimed at the US, and all of these fears are far overblown.

SG: Dr. Banner?

BANNER: If the ICC treaty violates the Constitution, or if we feel our people will be persecuted under it, we need to stay out. Itís a nice idea, admittedly.

EURO: Hah, you Americans and your Constitution. As if itís something sacred. You should submit for the good of all.

BANNER: It is sacred! And thatís not the only reason.

EURO: Simplistic, ever simplistic. You—

BANNER: Listen, Iím getting tired of the insults. Back off.

EURO: As I was saying before I was interrupted, the United States needs to recognize that itís nothing special and submit to the worldís will. If maybe some Americans suffer, itís for the good of all.

BANNER: ROAAARGH! (Changes into the Hulk.)

HULK: Hulk smash Euro-weenie!

EURO: Merda.

HULK: (Smashes Captain Euro.)

SG: Uh, Hulk, youÖ

HULK: What?

ZORAK: Youíre nude!

HULK: OOPSIE! Stupid Banner want look good on TV, no wear stretch polyester pants.

SG: Could somebody get him something to cover himself?

(A stagehand runs up with a king size sheet. HULK wraps it around himself.)

HULK: TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!

ZAN: I donít get it.

SG: This isnít going very well. Issue five, predictions. Will the Democrats take back the House? Hulk?

HULK: (Burps, drops bucket.) Huh?

ZORAK: He drank Zan!

SG: Hulk, how could you?

HULK: Sorry. Smashing is thirsty work. (Wanders off holding stomach.) Zan not agreeing with me.

ZORAK: Your show is ruined! (Laughs maniacally.)

SG: (Sighs.) Next week, are we going to invade Iraq or not? Until then, farewell!

(Theme music plays.)

MOLTAR [V/O]: The Space Ghost Group is made possible by a generous grant from Archer Daniel Midlands Corporation, a division of Lexcorp. And by generous support from viewers like you.

(Sound of a toilet flushing.)

SG: Hulk, no!

In Iowa, There’s Not Always Room for Jello Iowa…

In Iowa, There’s Not Always Room for Jello

Iowa has banned pre-packaged Jell-O shots. Once again, Alabama was way ahead of them. The stated reason is the appearance of the packaging, which is similar to that of kids’ snacks.

Fields of shame You think the bloggers were tou…

Fields of shame

You think the bloggers were tough on those backcountry Pakistanis who gang raped a girl and the “judges” who ordered it, check out this guy.

BBC News | HEALTH | Fishy diet may cut hunger horm…

BBC News | HEALTH | Fishy diet may cut hunger hormone

Either if you eat lots of fish there’s a decline in a hormone that makes you hungry, or you just get sick of fish.

Guardian Unlimited Observer | International | Eart…

Guardian Unlimited Observer | International | Earth ‘will expire by 2050′

Supposedly, the World Wildlife Fund says that the world will run out of resources and we’ll have to colonize outer space within fifty years. There are several obvious problems with the methodology, but hey, if it gets people thinking about colonizing space it’s all worth it.

Have You Seen This Fish? You know the Dreaded C…

Have You Seen This Fish?

You know the Dreaded Chinese Snakehead Walking Fish has made it big when Maureen Dowd herself writes of it.