Debates last night. I certainly didn’t watch them, because I have better things to do, like play video games, or wander around aimlessly. However, I feel confident, from watching the campaigns, that I can reconstruct the debates with fair accuracy. First off, the governor’s race:
BOB RILEY: I can use my magical powers to ward off hurricanes.
LUCY BAXLEY: I’m desperate, so I’ll cut your property taxes.
RILEY: My opponent says she’ll cut your taxes, but she’s a Democrat! Like… John Kerry!
BAXLEY: I will put an end to corruption.
RILEY: My opponent says she will put an end to corruption, but she’s a Democrat! Like… Don Siegelman!
BAXLEY: I like puppies.
RILEY: My opponent says she likes puppies, but do you know who else likes puppies? HILLARY!!!!!!
There was also a debate in the Lieutenant Governor’s race. This is simple to boil down:
LUTHER STRANGE: I am tall. My opponent is fat. The choice is clear.
JIM FOLSOM JR.: Oh, heck, I don’t know how to respond to that. I’m just a good ol’ boy who used to be governor, not some fancy Birmingham lawyer.
And there was one in the Attorney General’s race as well.
“TROY KING”: I will lobby for a law making it legal to hunt homosexuals for sport.
JOHN TYSON: My opponent was appointed by Bob Riley as some kind of obscure joke.
“KING”: I get an erection every time someone is sentenced to death.
TYSON: I’m not going to say anything, I’m just going to let him talk.
“KING”: We need toughnewlaws making it harder for vampires to stalk our children.