Daily Archives: March 25, 2002

Ketchup Packet Bear

Ketchup Packet Bear

Uh… OK.

If you’re going to put together a giant ketchup-packet bear to shoot at, the least you can do is get a real gun. I mean, a BB gun? That’s just sad.

(Via Pop Culture Junk Mail, again.)


ANCHOR: Hi, welcome to Birmingham’s Fox 6 News. I’m Scot Reynolds. Our top stories tonight: The U.S. has declared war on Iraq, Iran, Saudi Arabia, and Belgium; Yasser Arafat has killed himself and French President Jacques Chirac in a hara-kiri suicide-bomb love pact; and House Majority Whip Tom DeLay has announced that he is getting a sex-change operation and wishes to be known as “Princess Petunia”. But first:

It’s Raining!

SCOT: I now turn it over to Bob in the Fox 6 Weather Command Center. Bob?

CHIEF WEATHER GUY: Scot, a line of storms is crossing over from Mississippi even as we speak, raining blood, death, devastation, and horror everywhere in its wake. Hundreds are without power and several turkeys drowned to death looking up at the sky with their beaks open. For more details, let’s go to Steve, who has the Doppler 2002 Color Weather Watcher Radar. Steve?

BALD WEATHER GUY: Thank you, Bob. As you can see here, there’s blue, green and some yellow here, in Greene County. And behind it, some orange. It’s possible — I can’t say for sure — that some of that orange could turn into red, or even pink.

SCOT: Pink?!? Oh my God, we’re all going to die!

BWG: No, Scot, that’s okay. As long as there’s no fuschia, only people in trailer parks will be killed.

CWG: Fuschia?!? Where?!?

SCROLL: Those of you wishing to see the last episode of “The X-Files”, the show has been postponed so we can bring you exclusive coverage of STORMWATCH 2002. You can tune in Monday Morning at 3 AM to see the show.

SCOT: We now have Art Frampton, who is standing outside the station. Art?

TOKEN BLACK REPORTER: Scot, as you can see here, it is quite windy. This indicates that rain is on its way. Or not, how the hell would I know? It’s still quite windy. If you weigh less than thirty pounds, you should probably stay indoors, or carry weights with you wherever you go.

CWG: We now have Joe in the newsroom, who is looking at the satellite maps. Joe?

WEEKEND WEATHER GUY: Bob, the satellite map here shows a lot of clouds in the same damn line from the Great Lakes to Louisiana that every other satellite map seems to show. If it’s actually moving, it will be here soon.

CWG: Thank you. And I’d just like to give a big hello to the kids in Mrs. Rivers’ 4th-grade class at Central Elementary School, who got me this nice cake. I talked to them about the weather today. Steve?

BWG: Bob, I’m looking at the radar and I see a small indentation that indicates that conditions are favorable for a tornado.

SCOT: Oh no, we’re doomed!!!

BWG: Oh, wait, the radar just recycled. It’s gone now.

MAC: I’m going to Blockbuster.