Time for another exciting episode of the Space Ghost Group!
SPACE GHOST: Greetings! I am Space Ghost. Today, our guests are:
Captain Euro, the Continentís foremost socialist superhero;
Dr. Bruce Banner, government research scientist;
Zan of the Wonder Twins, currently in the form of a bucket of icewater, and;
Zorak, Lone Mantis of the Apocalypse.
Issue One, the LAX shooting. Was it terrorism? Zorak!
ZORAK: What a stupid question!
SG: Dr. Banner?
BANNER: If it wasnít terrorism, then what is? From what I can tell, the government is refusing to call it terrorism for political reasons, but Iím with the Israelis on this. If itís not terrorism, it will do until something better comes along.
SG: Captain Euro?
EURO: I must compliment the Bush Administration for refusing to use the loaded word ďterrorismĒ. One manís terrorist is another manís freedom fighter. I must also complement the FBI for refusing to make any assumptions and instead attempt to find the alleged gunmanís alleged motive.
BANNER: Oh, come on! I donít think we have to look very hard!
EURO: While I much prefer your presence to the barbarian who sat in that seat previously, I strongly object to your clear bias against Muslims.
BANNER: Iím not prejudiced against Muslims, Iím prejudiced against hatemongers who practice murder out of their own prejudice.
EURO: Look in the mirror, doctor.
BANNER: Youíre getting me angry. You wouldnít like me when Iím angry.
EURO: I donít much like you now!
SG: ENOUGH! Correct answer: Terrorism! Next issue, financial scandals. First Enron, then Global Crossing, now Worldcom looks to go down. Even Xerox has been found to be cooking the books. What is to be done? Zan?
ZAN: Jeez, I donít know. Iím a teenager and an alien, I donít understand all this money stuff.
ZORAK: All boards of directors should turn over control of their companies to me!
SG: Yeah, right. Captain Euro?
EURO: Clearly, capitalism has failed. Central planning is the truly civilized solution.
ZORAK: Planned by me!
SG: WRONG! Dr. Banner?
BANNER: Well, I work in the public arena, but I think maybe we could use some more regulation. But socialism surely isnít the answer.
SG: Correct! Issue three, smallpox vaccinations. Should everyone be vaccinated or should they be reserved for those at risk and then used only in an outbreak? Captain Euro?
EURO: The government surely knows far more about these things than the people. If the commissions studying this say that the vaccinations should be held back, we should trust the experts.
SG: WRONG! Zan?
ZAN: Well, I donít know a lot about this stuff, but it seems pretty sensible to vaccinate everyone we can, just in case.
SG: Correct! Issue four, the International Criminal Court. Should the United States join? Captain Euro.
EURO: But of course. The ICC is not aimed at the US, and all of these fears are far overblown.
SG: Dr. Banner?
BANNER: If the ICC treaty violates the Constitution, or if we feel our people will be persecuted under it, we need to stay out. Itís a nice idea, admittedly.
EURO: Hah, you Americans and your Constitution. As if itís something sacred. You should submit for the good of all.
BANNER: It is sacred! And thatís not the only reason.
EURO: Simplistic, ever simplistic. You—
BANNER: Listen, Iím getting tired of the insults. Back off.
EURO: As I was saying before I was interrupted, the United States needs to recognize that itís nothing special and submit to the worldís will. If maybe some Americans suffer, itís for the good of all.
BANNER: ROAAARGH! (Changes into the Hulk.)
HULK: Hulk smash Euro-weenie!
HULK: (Smashes Captain Euro.)
SG: Uh, Hulk, youÖ
ZORAK: Youíre nude!
HULK: OOPSIE! Stupid Banner want look good on TV, no wear stretch polyester pants.
SG: Could somebody get him something to cover himself?
(A stagehand runs up with a king size sheet. HULK wraps it around himself.)
HULK: TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!
ZAN: I donít get it.
SG: This isnít going very well. Issue five, predictions. Will the Democrats take back the House? Hulk?
HULK: (Burps, drops bucket.) Huh?
ZORAK: He drank Zan!
SG: Hulk, how could you?
HULK: Sorry. Smashing is thirsty work. (Wanders off holding stomach.) Zan not agreeing with me.
ZORAK: Your show is ruined! (Laughs maniacally.)
SG: (Sighs.) Next week, are we going to invade Iraq or not? Until then, farewell!
(Theme music plays.)
MOLTAR [V/O]: The Space Ghost Group is made possible by a generous grant from Archer Daniel Midlands Corporation, a division of Lexcorp. And by generous support from viewers like you.
(Sound of a toilet flushing.)
SG: Hulk, no!