Captain Euro Goes To Florida
(Because Charles asked for it.)
Part One: Hunting Janet Reno
Captain Euro has been sent by the EU to make some sense of the Florida situation. As you might expect, he’s not having much success.
CAPTAIN EURO: Excuse me, madamemoiselle, I’m looking for a woman. She’s about six feet tall, dark hair, glasses?
SNOW WHITE: Listen, mister, this is Disney World, they don’t allow anything like that around here.
EURO: Non, non, nothing like that. I mean, this isn’t Amsterdam! I’m looking for Janet Reno. Here, I think I have a picture somewhere… [Shows them the picture.]
GOOFY: Garsh, nope. Haven’t seen anyone like that.
SNOW: Me neither. Have you tried the Jungle Cruise?
EURO: It was my next stop.
GOOFY: Mind if I tag along?
EURO: If you must. I must tell you, I am a superhero, you might not be able to keep up with me.
GOOFY: Garsh. Well, I’ll try.
[Two hours pass.]
EURO: Merde, these lines are long. Is it always this bad? At EuroDisney, I can get in any ride any time.
GOOFY: Well, this is a weekday, so it’s pretty thin. Okay, now get in the boat here. I talked with the man at the turnstile, he said some tourists from Delaware saw a huge wild man near the hippopotumuses.
EURO: But I am looking for a woman!
GOOFY: You’re looking for Janet Reno.
EURO: Merci beaucoup, mon ami. I will go to her and convince her to return to civilization. Give my best to Snow White.
GOOFY: If it’s okay, I’ll go along with you.
EURO: Well, if you must. Do you think this is the place?
GOOFY: Well, those are the hippos, so we’re probably close. Uh… Garsh.
[They jump out of the boat and wade towards the hippos.]
EURO: Shouldn’t you remove your costume?
GOOFY: No, I don’t think it’s time yet.
EURO: Well, to each his own. Are you sure this is– [EURO is hit on the back of the head by a log wielded by a deranged JANET RENO. He falls, stunned.]
RENO: You’ll never take me back alive! They may have stolen the election from me, but in the Jungle Cruise set, I’m the governor!
EURO: Uhhhh… [Shakes it off — his superpower is to quickly recover from any beating. It comes in handy a lot.] Madame Reno, I am here to talk is all! Ask anyone, that’s all I ever do!
GOOFY: That’s true, I’ve only known him two hours and already I’m sick of his voice.
RENO: Okay, talk. But if you make any funny movements, I’ll hit you again.
EURO: Madame, don’t you understand, the election was not really important! It’s the permanent government, the experts, who are the true rulers, not the so-called elected officials! With your experience, you could be a truly great bureaucrat!
RENO: I don’t think I want to listen to you anymore. Time to feed Gus. [She drags EURO towards a pond.]
EURO: Who is Gus. [He looks at the pond.] Zut Alors! C’est un crocodile!
RENO: No, Gus is an alligator. Don’t you know anything? My mother used to wrestle Gus. Of course, he was smaller then.
GOOFY: Wait, Janet! Don’t do it!
RENO: Why not? I’m hurt! I had the nomination and then Bush just gave it to that lawyer! I should have been the next governor!
EURO: Actually, you never could have won. According to the polls, you would have lost the general election handily. Why do you Americans need to have elections anyway, you have such excellent polls!
GOOFY: It’s true. Not about the polls, but the rest of it. It was an uphill battle anyway, and Jeb seems to get away with everything. Everyone knew it.
RENO: Really? I… Nobody told me! I’ve been so busy, I didn’t check the papers or watch TV. Everyone knew it?
EURO: Oui, oui! Please don’t throw me to the crocodile!
RENO: Oh, God, no! Maybe I made a mistake running in the first place.
GOOFY: No, you gave it your best. That’s all that counts. Sometimes, things just don’t work out. Believe me, I know. [HE REMOVES THE HEAD OF HIS COSTUME.]
AL GORE: Forget it, Janet. It’s Florida.
[All references to Walt Disney World, Goofy, Snow White, the Jungle Cruise, or EuroDisney is copyright 2002 the Walt Disney Corporation. If you think I’m going to tangle with them you’re crazy. The EU, on the other hand, can go hang.
I feel kind of bad making fun of Janet Reno, but not bad enough to not do it. And I stole the ending pretty much from a prior adventure, but I don’t care. Next: Captain Euro and the Practical Joking Medical Students!]