Captain Euro and the Practical Joking Medical Students
[SCENE 1: Our intrepid hero has been sent by the EU to check on the welfare of three medical students detained by the United States government after they were accused of plotting a terrorist attack.]
EURO: Buenos dias, amigos! Me llama Captain Euro. I have been assigned to make sure your rights are not violated.
FIRST MEDICAL STUDENT: You’re our lawyer?
SECOND MEDICAL STUDENT: I hate lawyers.
EURO: Nein, nein. I am merely a humble superhero asked to keep an eye on things by the European Parliament.
THIRD MEDICAL STUDENT: You know, I’m looking into a psychiatry residency, maybe I could help you out.
EURO: I am not insane. But clearly you have become mistrustful because of the psychological burden of this confinement. Be assured that I will help you in any way that does not expose me to personal risk.
TMS: I think you need someone with more experience.
EURO: Seriously, I will bring what help you need. [PAUSE] And if you are connected with terrorism, you can tell me that too. I assure you, your names won’t be involved.
SMS: Oh, so that’s it.
FMS: [S.V.] Let me handle it. [TO EURO:] We really aren’t terrorists, Mr. Euro. But we do know of a political prisoner being in a hospital held right here in Florida. We were on our way to free her when we were caught.
FMS: Yes. Let me write down the address for you. Hurry — and I just hope you’re not too late!
[EURO runs out the door. FMS bursts out laughing.]
[SCENE 2: The next morning, same facility.]
EURO: Thank you for getting me out of that, how do you say, jam?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: No problem, Euro. Now remember: Noelle Bush is not a political prisoner. In fact, her father put her there to keep her out of jail.
EURO: Do not worry, I will not approach her again. Did she have to hit me so hard? At any event, merci beaucoup for rescuing me once again, Captain America. And if I can ever return the favor, please don’t hesitate to call on me.
AMERICA: Yeah, that’s going to happen.
[EURO enters the room in which the students are being held.]
EURO: Ah, so very very amusing, my friends. I hope you got that out of your system.
SMS: Really, Captain, you must forgive. my colleague. He’s given to these fits of so-called humor. This whole thing is really his fault.
FMS: I am so sorry, I tried to stop you before you went. Can we shake hands and make up?
EURO: Tres bien.
[EURO moves to shake his hand, which suddenly detaches from his body. A shocked EURO falls to the floor.]
FMS: [laughs and pulls his real arm from his sleeve.] Ah, the old cadaver arm gag!
EURO: Ah, the famous medical student sense of humor.
FMS: Here, let me help you up.
[He gives EURO his other arm. EURO pulls on it and it too detaches and he falls to the floor. So does FMS, laughing.]
FMS: Twice! Nobody falls for that twice!
SMS: [s.v.] Give it a break, it’s my turn! [TO EURO:] Captain, I have the address of a real group of terrorists. Not here in Florida, but in Washington itself!
EURO: Really? I must go to stop it!
[EURO runs from the room. A few seconds later, he runs back.]
EURO: May I have the address, per favore?
SMS: Here it is, Captain. And hurry!
[SCENE 3: The same detention facility, the next day.]
EURO: Thank you, mon ami. That was a touchy spot you extricated me from.
HULK: Huh? Uh, thanks. How you not know address of White House? Even Hulk know that!
EURO: Please, please. This is embarrassing enough already. And I am not from this country, of course.
HULK: And how you not even recognize White House? Most famous building in country!
EURO: I really do apologize for putting you out.
HULK: Lucky you broke in when President out of town, all I say. Now, you behave!
[EURO walks into the room again, followed by the HULK. All three students see him and break out laughing.]
SMS: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it was just too easy.
TMS: Really, Captain, you should see the look on your face! But seriously, I have the details of a real terrorist plot!
HULK: Why Euro believe you?
TMS: What reason do you have to not believe me? I have never lied to you! You are judging me by the people around me! And I thought you were enlightened!
EURO: Je suis désolé, you are right. I should not judge you by your colleagues. Now, what is this plot of which you speak?
TMS: Al-qaeda operatives are planning to destabilize Afghanistan by killing President Karzai. They have secretly placed a bomb in his hat.
HULK: Is this joke?
TMS: Would I joke about such a serious matter?
EURO: Of course you would not! To Afghanistan! [EURO runs out.]
TMS: There goes the world’s stupidest man. [To HULK:] Aren’t you going with him?
HULK: Hulk stupid, but not that stupid.
[SCENE 4: Guantanamo Naval Base detention facility, aka “Camp X-Ray”, four days later]
EURO: Gracias, senor. I am sorry to put you to any trouble.
AQUAMAN: No trouble, I usually spend Hurricane Season in the Caribbean. What were you thinking?
EURO: I got a very reliable tip that there was a plan to assassinate President Karzai.
AQUAMAN: So you knocked him down and tried to eat his hat?
EURO: Oui. I would have succeeded, too, if not for those meddling guards.
AQUAMAN: They’re very good guards. The US supplies them. You know, President Karzai is very fond of that hat.
EURO: I am sorry, but it really was a very reliable tip.
AQUAMAN: Well, next time check with someone before you do something like that, okay? Now, I got you out of here but it took a while, I have to get back in the water. There’s a boat here, Florida is that way.
EURO: Er, Aquaman?
EURO: Could you point me towards somewhere else?
[This is an obvious joke. Any resemblance between any actual medical students suspected of being terrorists and the ones in this story are coincidental. Captain America and the Incredible Hulk are copyright 2002 Marvel Comics. Aquaman is copyright 2002 DC Comics. I spit on the Europeans’ lawyers.]