Zawahiri, Captain Euro reach peace agreement
Spain, Portugal, Sicily to be turned over to Arabs
Apr. 16, 2004
ZURICH -- On the heels of a truce offer made via audiotape by al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden (STORIES), a peace agreement has been reached between al-Qaeda second in command Ayman al-Zawahiri (STORIES) and European superhero Captain Euro (STORIES). Though the agreement is not legally binding and Captain Euro has in the words of European Union spokesman "absolutely no authority" to negotiate for the EU, the agreement reached is the brightest hope yet in the attempts to reach a peace between the two sides.
According to the terms of the agreement, the island of Sicily, hitherto part of the European nation of Italy, will be returned to Arab control as part of the nation of Tunisia. The governments of Spain and Portugal will be required to step down and will be replaced by a ruling council of imminent Islamic leaders led by bin Laden as Sultan of Toledo. Sharia law will be imposed on the Iberian peninsula, and all those unwilling to comply with the traditional Islamic code will be given fourteen days to leave. Upon this news, France closed its borders. In exchange for the concessions, al-Qaeda promised to not kill any Europeans for the next two years. "Unless they're Jews," said Zawahiri in a press conference. "Or look like Jews. Or are in the same place as any Jews. Or Americans."
CAPTAIN EURO SPEAKS
Captain Euro, speaking to reporters in a press conference announcing the agreement, said that he regretted the need to turn over large areas considered traditionally European and Christian, but that "It was necessary to make some concessions in order to build a lasting peace."
"Though these areas have been part of Christian Europe,' added Captain Euro, "we must not forget that they were part of the Islamic Empire before that, and their loss still tears at the Islamic soul. Until the questions of Sicily and al-Andalus are resolved, no lasting peace is possible."
EUROPEAN LEADERS REACT
European leaders were outraged by the settlement and pledged not to obey its terms. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi pledged that Captain Euro "would have a long talk with some Sicilian friends of mine" when he left Switzerland. Spanish Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero said that he felt that Spain had already made enough concessions to al-Qaeda. Portuguese Prime Minister Jose Manuel Durao Barroso said that while he was "gratified" that someone remembered that not all of the Iberian peninsula was controlled by Spain, he could not in good conscience turn over control of his country.
UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, congratulated Captain Euro and Zawahiri on their "historic agreement" and called on both sides to honor "the Zurich Agreement".
US President George W. Bush, when asked for comment, stared blankly into cameras for thirty seconds and then said "I'm sorry, I can't think of anything." Presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee John Kerry was rollerblading and could not be reached for comment.
Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei condemned the agreement, saying that al-Qaeda had sacrificed Islamic claims to Greece and the Balkan peninsula.