Category Archives: Captain Euro

Zawahiri, Captain Euro reach peace agreement

(After CNN.com – Likely bin Laden tape offers truce to Europe – Apr 15, 2004.)

Zawahiri, Captain Euro reach peace agreement
Spain, Portugal, Sicily to be turned over to Arabs

REUTERS
Apr. 16, 2004

ZURICH -- On the heels of a truce offer made via audiotape by al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden (STORIES), a peace agreement has been reached between al-Qaeda second in command Ayman al-Zawahiri (STORIES) and European superhero Captain Euro (STORIES). Though the agreement is not legally binding and Captain Euro has in the words of European Union spokesman "absolutely no authority" to negotiate for the EU, the agreement reached is the brightest hope yet in the attempts to reach a peace between the two sides.

According to the terms of the agreement, the island of Sicily, hitherto part of the European nation of Italy, will be returned to Arab control as part of the nation of Tunisia. The governments of Spain and Portugal will be required to step down and will be replaced by a ruling council of imminent Islamic leaders led by bin Laden as Sultan of Toledo. Sharia law will be imposed on the Iberian peninsula, and all those unwilling to comply with the traditional Islamic code will be given fourteen days to leave. Upon this news, France closed its borders. In exchange for the concessions, al-Qaeda promised to not kill any Europeans for the next two years. "Unless they're Jews," said Zawahiri in a press conference. "Or look like Jews. Or are in the same place as any Jews. Or Americans."

CAPTAIN EURO SPEAKS

Captain Euro, speaking to reporters in a press conference announcing the agreement, said that he regretted the need to turn over large areas considered traditionally European and Christian, but that "It was necessary to make some concessions in order to build a lasting peace."

"Though these areas have been part of Christian Europe,' added Captain Euro, "we must not forget that they were part of the Islamic Empire before that, and their loss still tears at the Islamic soul. Until the questions of Sicily and al-Andalus are resolved, no lasting peace is possible."

EUROPEAN LEADERS REACT

European leaders were outraged by the settlement and pledged not to obey its terms. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi pledged that Captain Euro "would have a long talk with some Sicilian friends of mine" when he left Switzerland. Spanish Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero said that he felt that Spain had already made enough concessions to al-Qaeda. Portuguese Prime Minister Jose Manuel Durao Barroso said that while he was "gratified" that someone remembered that not all of the Iberian peninsula was controlled by Spain, he could not in good conscience turn over control of his country.

WORLD REACTION

UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, congratulated Captain Euro and Zawahiri on their "historic agreement" and called on both sides to honor "the Zurich Agreement".

US President George W. Bush, when asked for comment, stared blankly into cameras for thirty seconds and then said "I'm sorry, I can't think of anything." Presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee John Kerry was rollerblading and could not be reached for comment.

Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei condemned the agreement, saying that al-Qaeda had sacrificed Islamic claims to Greece and the Balkan peninsula.

My territory violated

HoustonChronicle.com – Comics

Though after all the copyrights I’ve violated, I don’t have much of a case.

(Graciously pointed out by Charles Kuffner.)

Captain Euro versus the Martians

Captain Euro Vs. The Martians

(When we last left our intrepid hero, he was confronting Marvin, leader of the Martian invasion force sent as revenge for the constant human littering of the pristine surface of Mars. The EU and the French government sent the Captain to negotiate while they made desperate calls to the British for help.)

CAPTAIN EURO: Surely, we can discuss this like reasonable beings. We would be willing to pay reparations and offer development assistance.

MARVIN: Silence, Earth-fool! The ancient Martian civilization needs no help from the likes of you! Prepare to die!

EURO: There’s no need for violence. Negotiation is…

[MARVIN SHOOTS HIM WITH A ZAP PISTOL]

EURO: AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!! [HE FALLS TO THE GROUND, TWITCHING]

MARVIN: So, you are made of sterner stuff. [PAUSE] I have to admit, I’m surprised.

EURO: I understand that you are only lashing out because you feel powerless. Now, can we at least set the agenda for future talks?

MARVIN: Okay, that’s it, you’re going to die. Let me just put this on the highest setting… [HE RAISES HIS GUN]

VOICE: Stop!

MARVIN: What? Who are you?

EURO: Oh, helvete, it’s the Hulk.

HULK: Hulk smash Martian!

EURO: No, Hulk, you mustn’t! He’s only a product of his environment!

HULK: Huh? Hulk confused.

MARVIN: I am not a product of my environment! I am a sapient being from an ancient civilization, and I will destroy both of you!

HULK: No! Hulk smash Martian! [HE SMASHES MARVIN]

EURO: Why did you do that? I was starting to get through to him!

HULK: What?!?!?

EURO: Yes, he seemed violent, but I was starting to break through his shell, I could tell.

HULK: What? [HE FALLS TO THE GROUND LAUGHING]

MARVIN: What? [HE STARTS LAUGHING TOO]

HULK: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAARRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! [HE CHANGES INTO DR. BRUCE BANNER]

BANNER: Where am I? What am I doing here?

EURO: You just interfered with my negotiations with this Martian!

BANNER: Martian? There’s no such thing as Martians. Mars is cold, dry and lifeless. He’s pulling your leg.

EURO: What? If this is so, then you must be…

MARVIN: Yes, it is I! [HE REMOVES HIS DISGUISE]

EURO: Zut alors! C’est Jean-Marie Le Pen!

Space Ghost Group, Ep. 2

Time for another exciting episode of the Space Ghost Group!

SPACE GHOST: Greetings! I am Space Ghost. Today, our guests are:

Captain Euro, the Continentís foremost socialist superhero;
Dr. Bruce Banner, government research scientist;
Zan of the Wonder Twins, currently in the form of a bucket of icewater, and;
Zorak, Lone Mantis of the Apocalypse.

Issue One, the LAX shooting. Was it terrorism? Zorak!

ZORAK: What a stupid question!

SG: Dr. Banner?

BANNER: If it wasnít terrorism, then what is? From what I can tell, the government is refusing to call it terrorism for political reasons, but Iím with the Israelis on this. If itís not terrorism, it will do until something better comes along.

SG: Captain Euro?

EURO: I must compliment the Bush Administration for refusing to use the loaded word ďterrorismĒ. One manís terrorist is another manís freedom fighter. I must also complement the FBI for refusing to make any assumptions and instead attempt to find the alleged gunmanís alleged motive.

BANNER: Oh, come on! I donít think we have to look very hard!

EURO: While I much prefer your presence to the barbarian who sat in that seat previously, I strongly object to your clear bias against Muslims.

BANNER: Iím not prejudiced against Muslims, Iím prejudiced against hatemongers who practice murder out of their own prejudice.

EURO: Look in the mirror, doctor.

BANNER: Youíre getting me angry. You wouldnít like me when Iím angry.

EURO: I donít much like you now!

SG: ENOUGH! Correct answer: Terrorism! Next issue, financial scandals. First Enron, then Global Crossing, now Worldcom looks to go down. Even Xerox has been found to be cooking the books. What is to be done? Zan?

ZAN: Jeez, I donít know. Iím a teenager and an alien, I donít understand all this money stuff.

SG: Zorak?

ZORAK: All boards of directors should turn over control of their companies to me!

SG: Yeah, right. Captain Euro?

EURO: Clearly, capitalism has failed. Central planning is the truly civilized solution.

ZORAK: Planned by me!

SG: WRONG! Dr. Banner?

BANNER: Well, I work in the public arena, but I think maybe we could use some more regulation. But socialism surely isnít the answer.

SG: Correct! Issue three, smallpox vaccinations. Should everyone be vaccinated or should they be reserved for those at risk and then used only in an outbreak? Captain Euro?

EURO: The government surely knows far more about these things than the people. If the commissions studying this say that the vaccinations should be held back, we should trust the experts.

SG: WRONG! Zan?

ZAN: Well, I donít know a lot about this stuff, but it seems pretty sensible to vaccinate everyone we can, just in case.

SG: Correct! Issue four, the International Criminal Court. Should the United States join? Captain Euro.

EURO: But of course. The ICC is not aimed at the US, and all of these fears are far overblown.

SG: Dr. Banner?

BANNER: If the ICC treaty violates the Constitution, or if we feel our people will be persecuted under it, we need to stay out. Itís a nice idea, admittedly.

EURO: Hah, you Americans and your Constitution. As if itís something sacred. You should submit for the good of all.

BANNER: It is sacred! And thatís not the only reason.

EURO: Simplistic, ever simplistic. You—

BANNER: Listen, Iím getting tired of the insults. Back off.

EURO: As I was saying before I was interrupted, the United States needs to recognize that itís nothing special and submit to the worldís will. If maybe some Americans suffer, itís for the good of all.

BANNER: ROAAARGH! (Changes into the Hulk.)

HULK: Hulk smash Euro-weenie!

EURO: Merda.

HULK: (Smashes Captain Euro.)

SG: Uh, Hulk, youÖ

HULK: What?

ZORAK: Youíre nude!

HULK: OOPSIE! Stupid Banner want look good on TV, no wear stretch polyester pants.

SG: Could somebody get him something to cover himself?

(A stagehand runs up with a king size sheet. HULK wraps it around himself.)

HULK: TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!

ZAN: I donít get it.

SG: This isnít going very well. Issue five, predictions. Will the Democrats take back the House? Hulk?

HULK: (Burps, drops bucket.) Huh?

ZORAK: He drank Zan!

SG: Hulk, how could you?

HULK: Sorry. Smashing is thirsty work. (Wanders off holding stomach.) Zan not agreeing with me.

ZORAK: Your show is ruined! (Laughs maniacally.)

SG: (Sighs.) Next week, are we going to invade Iraq or not? Until then, farewell!

(Theme music plays.)

MOLTAR [V/O]: The Space Ghost Group is made possible by a generous grant from Archer Daniel Midlands Corporation, a division of Lexcorp. And by generous support from viewers like you.

(Sound of a toilet flushing.)

SG: Hulk, no!

Space Ghost Group, Ep. 1

SPACE GHOST: Greetings! I am Space Ghost, and this is the Space Ghost Group. Our panelists are:

Captain Euro, superhero and pacifist;
The green goliath known as the Hulk;
Blossom, leader of the Powerpuff Girls;
And Aquaman, king of Atlantis.

Issue One, Israeli operations in the West Bank. Captain Euro?

EURO: The Israelis need to show patience with the Palestinian Authority, and allow the peace process to go on, rather than disrupting it with these senseless attacks. Answering violence with violence is never the answer. Only at the negotiating table can we find peace.

SG: WRONG! Hulk?

HULK: HULK SMASH TERRORISTS!

SG: Correct! Issue two, is toxic waste good for fish? Aquaman?

AQUAMAN: That is the stupidest thing I ever heard.

SG: Correct! Issue three, steroids in baseball. Hulk?

HULK: What? Hulk not on steroids! Hulk all natural, work out, exposed to gamma rays!

SG: Right. Captain Euro?

EURO: Baseball, feh. You Americans need to be exposed more to the beauty that is football, or as you mincingly call it, soccer. That is a true sport.

SG: WRONG! Blossom?

BLOSSOM: Gosh, it seems like cheating to me. If there are baseball players using steroids, donít they have an unfair advantage over all the players who wonít take them because they might be bad for you?

SG: Correct! Issue four, comparing backers of the Euro to Hitler in TV ads. Captain Euro?

EURO: I am deeply offended by this, and when Britain joins the EU we will have to take steps to see it doesnít ever happen again.

SG: Um, right. Aquaman?

AQUAMAN: Doesnít matter to me. All that paper money just disolves in salt water. I hope theyíre using soy based ink.

SG: UhÖ Hulk?

HULK: Hulk laugh and laugh!

EURO: Oh, come now. If anything, we are more like Stalin. Hitler, thatís completely inaccurate. [PAUSE] Merde. Did I just say that out loud?

HULK: Hulk smash Euro-commie!

SG: No, mustnít smash our fellow panelists. [ZAPS CAPTAIN EURO WITH A BLAST FROM HIS POWER BANDS.] Now, thatís better. Issue five, Adam Sandler movies. Hulk?

HULK: Hulk laugh and laugh!

SG: Uh, okay. Aquaman?

AQUAMAN: I can only spend one hour outside the water, so I canít go to movies.

SG: Okay, Blossom?

BLOSSOM: Those movies are all PG-13 or R, Iím too young to see them.

SG: Captain Euro?

EURO: (Groans.)

SG: Correct answer: Theyíre all stupid, and everyone who watches them should be ashamed of themselves! Issue six, Mojo Jojo. Blossom?

BLOSSOM: Gosh, we keep catching him, but heís a monkey and I guess the jails arenít set up to keep him. We sent him to the pound once, but they say thatís cruel and unusual punishment.

SG: Captain Euro?

EURO: UghÖ [SHAKES IT OFF] Instead of persecuting poor Mojo Jojo, I think it is incumbent upon us to look at the inequities inherent in the system in Townsville. Mr. Jojo is only a symptom. We need to treat the disease.

HULK: Can Hulk smash puny Euro-weenie now?

SG: Yeah, showís over, go ahead. Join us next week!

MOLTAR [V/O]: The Space Ghost Group is made possible by a generous grant from Archer Daniel Midlands Corporation, a division of Lexcorp. And by generous support from viewers like you.

(Apologies to the various old SNL sketches I am blatantly ripping off, and to the creators of all the various things satirized here except Captain Euro.)

(UPDATE: Yeah, I probably should have found a way to work Zorak in.)

Captain America meets Captain Euro

Captain America Meets Captain Euro!

[Previously, Captain America and Captain Euro agreed to travel to the Hindu Kush to capture the notorious Osama bin Laden. It isn't going that well.]

CAPTAIN EURO: So, as you can see, only unelected bureaucrats can make the appropriate decisions regarding what businesses should be allowed to do. The voters simply aren’t qualified to make those decisions, and businessmen will allow their unfettered greed to overwhelm them. Really, it’s in everybody’s best interests.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Damn Commie.

[They see a cave.]

AMERICA: This is where the satellite picked up the unusual activity. I better go scope it out.

EURO: Non, je dois aller et parler avec lui.

AMERICA: What? Speak English, I know you can.

EURO: Stupid American, I said I will go and talk to Osama. I am sure he will see reason if we can only speak like rational men.

AMERICA: What? Are you crazy? Osama isn’t rational! He’s a mass-murdering terrorist!

EURO: “Terrorist” is a judgmental word, and only shows that you are fundamentally immature. It isn’t your fault, of course, but surely you must see a more sophisticated approach is necessary.

[He runs off.]

AMERICA: Wait! You…

[He follows. As he catches up with Captain Euro, he sees that two Taliban fighters are preparing to shoot. Quickly, Captain America disarms the nearest with a kick, and knocks out the other with his thrown shield.]

AMERICA: Are you crazy? You have to be careful, these hills are crawling with guerrillas.

EURO: If you had not attacked them, I am certain we could have come to an understanding. Your precipitous action has doomed any chance of dialogue with these unfortunate individuals.

AMERICA: They were trying to shoot you!

EURO: They were only doing as they were conditioned by their upbringing. It is unfair to judge them by Western standards.

AMERICA: Tell you what, you can say you’re sorry later, but we’ve got a clear approach to the cave.

EURO: Sž, lascili vanno.

[He follows Captain America toward the cave.]

AMERICA: And speak English!

EURO: Uncultured barbarian.

[As they approach the cave, they see a bearded head peek out. It is OSAMA.]

OSAMA:

AMERICA: All right, Osama. It’s time you got what’s coming to you.

EURO: Let me tell you, Captain America, your cowboy attitude is not making this any easier. Diplomacy requires patience and logic, not flexing your muscles.

AMERICA: There’s no time for diplomacy! He’s a mass murderer and I’m here to bring him to justice.

EURO: He must be talked into surrender, so he can be tried before a court appointed by the United Nations, and then sent to be rehabilitated.

AMERICA: I’m going to knock him out, hog-tie him, and take him back to New York, where they’ll stick a needle in his arm.

EURO: Truly, you do not understand international affairs.

[Osama tries to sneak off. Captain America sees him, and knocks him down.]

EURO: Filthy barbarian! There is no justification for harming a suspect! He hasn’t even been convicted of anything.

[He goes to help Osama, who pulls out a knife and holds it to Captain Euro's neck.]

OSAMA: Do you want me to kill him?

AMERICA: Yeah, go ahead.

EURO: ScheiŖe.